the edges of myself

For several years now– too many to count, although it wouldn’t be hard to do, I’ve been silently beating up on myself for not writing. I’ve moved forward in fits and spurts, but they have mostly gone unacknowledged by myself– and somehow I have managed to continue to give myself the consistent message: YOU ARE NOT DOING ENOUGH.

It hasn’t been an easy message to stomach, nor has it been particularly helpful in allowing me to move forward.

In the last week or so I’ve been revisiting my drafts folder in my different blogs and realizing I’ve written a lot more than I’ve given myself credit for– I just haven’t necessarily always PUBLISHED. Perusing back over my unpublished words I find myself wondering WHY I’ve taken so many steps only to stop before completion– and then upon further reflection, I acknowledge a pattern of mine.

I’m the lady who sorts the laundry and washes the laundry and drys the laundry and SOMETIMES evens folds the laundry (though usually that’s my husband). BUT, even if I do get to that critical folding stage, the process breaks down before the putting away stage. Inevitably there is breakdown in my process somewhere right before completion– which leaves me feeling unaccomplished and leads me to some very unfriendly and incredibly unproductive negative self-talk.

WHY do I allow my my process to break down? Why don’t I allow myself that critical final step and the feeling of accomplishment? Who does it serve to stop myself short of the completion of a task?

NOT ME.

I end up carrying around the weight of whatever task it is that I haven’t accomplished for days upon weeks and chastising myself (consciously or unconsciously) for not fulfilling my responsibility.

Even now as I sit and write this I find myself wishing with all of my being for a distraction. As I edge closer and closer to the epicenter of my NEED for distraction I am BEGGING for a reason to get up and walk away from this computer– or even just click on another tab. Isn’t there a social media account that needs checking? Surely SOMEONE needs me to weigh in on SOMETHING inane and time-consuming…

NOPE.

NOT TODAY.

Instead, I’m going to ask myself to settle into the bewildered lack of ease I feel when I think about finding the root of my need for distraction. And as I do so my cat is literally climbing onto my lap and blocking the computer screen– as if she’s saying, “are you sure you’re ready for this?”

To her (and myself) I say: “As I’ll ever be.”

And just like that– the answer comes.

I am continuously hijacking my own process for something or someone else. As this realization dawns on me I am reflecting back to something I said to a client in an energy session YESTERDAY.

This is about PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST.

There are all kinds of excuses we give ourselves for not doing that– but at this point I’m going to call bullshit on all of mine.

There is no one else in the world who needs me more than I do. I am no longer a mother to young children. I am no longer running a brand new business that requires all of my time and attention at all hours of the day. And bullshit to all of the other justifications that I might feel tempted to create just to make myself feel better.

I am a mother of two nearly grown children who are incredibly independent and capable. I own a well-established business that runs like a well-oiled machine regardless of my presence. And I am married to a man who has my back like no other human being has EVER. NOW is MY time.

There are NO MORE EXCUSES for me to hold back from being the biggest, baddest ME that I can possibly be.

Today is the day that I write. And the next day, and the one after that, and the one after that. Every day is a writing day– because this is my clearest, truest form of expression. There is no one and nothing I’m hiding from any longer. I have nothing to fear in forming words and putting them out into the world. As I allow words to flow from me I ease my burden. Each time I press publish my load is lightened, my wings spread a bit further. Sharing my story is a MASSIVE part of my process of being a human in this world.

And I deserve to honor every single part of that process.