the edges of myself

words, words, words

Day six was my larger scale re-entry back into life with a newly shaved head. The advantage of narrating my process via social media is– a LOT of people already know that my head is shaved. Not everyone, however follows me on social media– so I dealt with the look of shock many times throughout the day. One client in particular had a pretty hard time taking in the hairless me.

My role in my client’s lives varies from person to person. For some people I am a rudder, a pillar, an anchor, a steady object which they rely upon to remain fixed. I am a known variable. Now, intellectually we can all understand that shaving my head doesn’t change that– however, emotionally it’s harder to get a fix on these things. The previously mentioned client entered the space on day six and literally did a triple take when she saw me. For her I occupy the role of rudder. She busied herself immediately, moving through the space, clearly shocked at the drastic change in my visage. When she eventually greeted me she did so tentatively– as if she couldn’t quite believe that I was still me. Thirty seconds into our session all was well– but she immediately wanted to know why I had made this drastic move.

I told her about my angry scalp, and about unplugging my television. I explained that two days into not allowing myself my distraction I couldn’t deny my scalp its liberation. I also told her that it took another 24 hours for my ego to relinquish its hold on me and allow me to move forward and do what needed to be done. She lay on the table taking it all in and said “You’re going to make me cry,” bringing her hands up to her eyes to dab them. “That’s truly radical self-care.”

And I guess it is. It’s not a phrase I had heard before it came out of her mouth, but it resonates. It seems to be the only way I can operate these days. I’ve taken my blinders off and have absolutely nothing to hide behind. I am unapologetically taking care of myself and I guess in this day and age that is fairly radical. We’ve become so patterned to consider everyone else before ourselves not realizing that if we don’t first fill our own cup, we won’t have anything to draw from to help fill other’s. So I’m embracing the radical self-care moniker. I’ll utilize it for the next 24 days and beyond!

And also, I rounded out the day with another amazing t.v.-free night with my husband. There are so many reasons why I married that guy.

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