the edges of myself

words, words, words

My kids left me for six days just two short weeks ago.  As I sit here I find myself checking and double checking that time-frame because it seems so ludicrously impossible that so much has happened in the short span of two weeks, but so be it.  It has.  

I had final closure with my old, deeply loved friend from high school.  That short and soulful long-distance relationship could not have been more perfect.  He was a catalyst for me in the most amazing way.  Our time was brief and beautiful.  It was a perfect end to a relationship that spanned the time-frame of twenty one years in this lifetime– and a deeply seminal lifetime before.  His intuition and wisdom far exceed his rational mind, though he might tell you differently.  

He allowed me to dive into the depths of love quickly– because it was safe, and I already knew I was loved.  We  had our rhythm, well established and easy– like a car engine several hours into a long road trip.  He helped me understand that I’m only getting bigger– and nothing else is acceptable.  He framed my perspective with a rational one of his own– and together they made a lasting picture– and put the period at the end of a clearly run-on, but lovely none-the-less, sentence.

Before that closure came about, probably a week or so into my triste with him, I received an email from a man whom I had met and been attracted to about a year earlier when he was breezing through town visiting a mutual friend.  He let me know that he had settled in Portland for the time being and asked  if I wanted to start up a bodywork trade (we did one when he was breezing through).  I immediately looked up at the sky and said, “Universe, what are you playing at?”

Well, as you may well know, actual, spoken directives from the Universe are few and far between (although they do occur).  So, I resolved to stumble my way through what the Universe was presenting me with:

Door # 1. soulful old connection with dearly loved and loving friend who has grown in an entirely different direction than myself, calls me a “mystic” and doesn’t “believe” in my work or my perspective… (hmmm, really tempting–)  or

Door # 2.  Hot bodyworker who has incredible hands and with whom I have amazing chemistry, who has experienced my work (and didn’t use the word mystical to describe it– or me)  who happens to live in my city– (and not across the country)– and did I mention he’s hot?  

Well, you know my will is strong– as are my devotion and capacity to love– so I dug my heels in and decided to continue to love door #1,  from a distance.  And love him i did (and do).  With all my heart.  And thanks to him, my heart is now bigger.  Truly phenomenal.  But I digress…

Let’s go back to door #2.  We scheduled the bodywork trade.  He gave me a session.  The chemistry was still there (but so was my iron will).  I continued pouring my love towards the man on the other side of the country (stubbornly).  Then a couple of weeks later, I gave door #2 a session, just a couple of days into my childless freedom.  More.  Chemistry.

The next day the Universe intervened again– beginning to understand that my iron will was getting the best of me.  I received an e-mail from door #1 apologizing for being “so distant” over the weekend, but he had gotten back together with his ex, and really wanted to make it work with her.  An email?  Really?  Okay, fair enough.  It had exactly the air of finality it needed.  (He knew that).

I took about an hour and a half to process that information– I somehow felt it coming,  (maybe because a very similar thing had happened just a few weeks before, sans the finality).  I was in the middle of teaching a class when I felt the weight of him lift off of my shoulders.  It was unbelievably freeing.   And then without the Universe even needing to issue the directive, I decided to ask out door #2.  My kids were out of town, and chemistry is chemistry.  I emailed him– asked him if he wanted to hang out.  We agreed upon the next night.

We went out to eat– at a place whose name my brain refuses to retain, but it was perfect.  There was a live band playing in the front room.  We tucked ourselves away in a corner in the back.  As soon as I began talking to this man I was struck by his openness and availability.  And he already knew my work– that was his first experience of me.  And although after our first session, he admitted to “testing me”– by not telling me anything beforehand– he also acknowledged the truth in the work that we did together.  This is a stark contrast from door #1.

As the minutes eased by I realized that this man, beyond just being hot and having good hands, is actually incredibly smart– and kinda funny, and really quite charming.  And I’m thinking, “crap, this is just supposed to be the hot guy– and I think I actually really kind of like him.”  

Fast forward to NOW (nine days having passed and my children having returned) –(otherwise we could be here all day):  And now i know I actually really kind of like him, maybe even a little more today than I did just yesterday.  And what is starting to dawn on me is that I’m standing right smack dab at the beginning of something.  And the path that’s winding itself along in front of me, of us, between the hills and out of sight is as of yet completely untravelled.   Nobody’s traversed it before.  It’s been a really long time since I’ve been anywhere near a place like this– and I’ve never seen a path that looks even remotely like this one.  

I’m surrounded by newness.  It feels full and alive and scary and exciting.  It feels risky and dangerous and warm and protective.  It feels exactly right.  And while I haven’t a clue where it’s going– I truly have no need to know.  For now, I’m just going to exist with this brilliant man who makes me feel like a child and sage, both at once.   And I’ll begin walking along this winding and mysterious path with him.  And I’m going to let the future take care of itself.  Because it always does, as long as you tend to the present.

4 thoughts on “right smack dab at the beginning

  1. Martha says:

    Oh Mandy, I love you!

    1. mandycregan says:

      Back atcha, beauty.

  2. Hallie says:

    Enjoyed hearing, seeing, and sensing your excitement.,… the path unfolds as you desire. Hallie

    1. mandycregan says:

      thank you sweet, lovely Hallie. xo

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