I woke up around 2 in the morning on January 7, 2003 with anticipation and excitement at the prospect of finally meeting my first child. I was already twelve days past my “due date” and truly bursting with child. My body, carrying at least an extra fifty pounds, was behemoth. The skin of my torso …
there is this sense of empty as I watch them go… then I remember
I never read the rules for mothering it seems I was absent that day– perhaps all of us were. Carrying around the textbook burden of guilt, the weight of which mocks our shortcomings and reveals the all-too constant truth that we’re just winging it. Each new day, another brave face– scooping up the pieces …
the spaciousness of my home when i alone am here– is staggering.
the sound of my boy’s laughter tumbling across the floors and ceilings through the hallway and under the door– the ease of three generations co-existing– quiet certainty of a love that has always been and will always be– from latency a hand on the belly– small kicks and a waiting game– breathless anticipation for the …
I found this photograph a couple of days ago in a drawer by the side of my bed. It’s my sweet little baby girl, about two months before her 2nd birthday. (Right now she’s less than a month from her seventh birthday). This photo was taken in Oakland, CA at my best friend’s home sometime …
i wish i wasn’t the one in charge of keeping it all together.
yesterday i peeled away a layer one that had long concealed my vulnerability. Underneath that film– i found a need to prove myself. a deep and darkened shame, a tortured, broken structure that believed in itself to the point of actualization. As i walked around the landscape of my deeply held beliefs, turned concrete, …
We are all the greatest– each of us the BEST at this job we never applied for– and from which we will never be fired– the benefits being intangible and showing themselves in the most unlikely moment– an unprompted thank you or please– a concern born from a devotion that is normally tossed under the …
It’s your birthday today a day to celebrate your open-hearted kindness, tumbling laughter and giving smile. I remember the day I first understood the madness of motherhood– knew the intensity of frustration and loss of control. And the day it hit me– like a thousand waves crashing against the shore– the immensity of …
the edges of myself 