the edges of myself

words, words, words

because you asked and

you know I deliver–

a limerick for you, my

dear friend, whose

open-armed acceptance of

me as your third wheel is

heart-warmingly beautiful.

 

You, who serve as a shining

example that love and devotion

are tangible, actual– your love

for your wife palpable,

exuding from you in

purples and blues.

 

I don’t remember when

we first met– cannot call

to mind a time when you

were not absolutely

familiar to me.  Your easy,

amiable way, a gentle arm

around my shoulder– warm

smile and laughing eyes.

At ease in all situations.

 

You lend me faith

towards things I question,

help me to understand

that anything is possible

with trust and commitment.

You offer an intelligence

that is sensitive and keen.

And you play a mean game

of pinball.

It’s your birthday today

a day to celebrate your

open-hearted kindness,

tumbling laughter

and giving smile.

 

I remember the day

I first understood the

madness of motherhood–

knew the intensity of

frustration and loss

of control.

 

And the day it hit

me– like a thousand

waves crashing against

the shore– the immensity

of my love for the tiny

new being cradled

in my arms– the immensity

of your love for me.

 

In these moments I’ve

understood you as I know

myself– from the inside

out– the one who

went before me– paved

the way– led by example.

 

Sometimes we make each

other crazy– opposite

sides of the same coin.

But my devotion to

you is timeless, unparalleled

and unquestioned.

 

You are my mom.

i remembered you yesterday

the boy with a smile he couldn’t

hide– the childish innocence

running through the lines of your face.

 

like uncovering an old box of

records, full of songs you’d

forgotten existed– but to which

you know all the words.

 

i remembered falling softly with

you– into arms that seemed they’d

never fail– cushioned by hopes and

dreams as only children can imagine.

 

i remembered the me who fell with

you through doubt and uncertainty–

the travails of growing up, stepping out,

moving away– walking forward.

 

i remembered our love that sustained

me through those gentle years of youth–

so quickly eroded and worn away–

just as flowers die and rainbows fade.

 

but i remember them.  i know that they

existed– were not in vain, helped

bring us to this place we now occupy–

wholly separate, but always connected

 

by these two beautiful beings we created.

his overflowing heart directly

from his father– her flair for the

dramatic, a daily reminder,  that

 

there once was a pure and innocent

love that existed between us– packed

away now– but no longer forgotten.

if i could capture my moments

with you in words– they

would sing and sigh and breathe

as no words have ever dared.

 

if i could call upon all songbirds

to lift their voices in harmony

and encapsulate the elation and joy

flying through my heart, i would.

 

if i could wrap my wisdom into

a tiny package and deliver it

to myself at the perfect moment–

when doubt and fear are looming

 

then maybe i’d step out from beneath

my shelter, allow my voice to

soar among the clouds and

personally declare to you my truth.

 

though words can’t possibly suffice–

and the language of our knowing

reveals a picture that stretches far beyond

what my lips are capable of uttering.

I’ve closed my heart before

locked it tightly– buried the

key beneath layers of

shoulds and coulds and woulds

 

I’ve watched myself walk away

treading carefully, moving backwards

longing for an explanation

some semblance of the truth

 

I’ve understood the sting

of rejection– internalized

its pointy edges, embracing

their lessons along with the pain

 

I’ve walked blindly through years

at a time telling myself

stories I knew were untrue

to support a growing construct

 

I’ve isolated myself out of

necessity– shouldering my

burdens and tumbling forward

with an unquestioned resolve

 

I’ve conceived of a love like

the one that I’m sensing– its

fluid lines and unguarded circles–

its quiet devotion– an unstated truth

 

I’ve opened my heart to you

like no other– without agenda

understanding that time exists

to live within each moment

 

I’ve uncovered a strength and

solidity I’d only heard whisper

before you entered and showed me

sometimes it’s okay to shout